Saturday, February 27, 2010

Striving After... What?


I has been thinking. And yes, I know that is bad grammar.  I am in a sensational mood.  I do really love tea, and my lovely brother just made me some.  That, combined with a sort of somnolence that seems to hang over me like a shroud puts me in a rather odd mood.  And I start asking questions.  Questions that I know the answer to, but that I like to ask anyways... Because, in a rather odd way, it makes me rethink the whole philosophy, and then that makes me ask more questions.  It's rather bothersome, sometimes, but that's alright.  I don't mind today.

Today, I think the weather is affecting me.  It's so cold, it's so grey, it's so bleak, it's so hard... and so white.  It makes me passive, like it doesn't matter what happens.  I have the mindset: "Who cares? It's cold anyways." As if that will answer every question.  But it won't.  And I found myself asking...

How much is too much?

Where is the correct balance?  How do you know where to find it?

How little is not enough?

How do we find out our "brain" capacity before it's too late? This is a very me question.  In other words, I want to know how much my brain can tolerate before it explodes.

How do we find the courage to face a fear that can hardly be described as a fear?

How do we find the difference between sloth and really not being able to handle something?

I really don't know.  The only thing I know how to do is to trust God.  I know that courage comes from God, not man.  I know that wisdom from my own heart is bound to be deceitful, but I know that God will guide me to make the right decisions, and that the wisdom comes from him.

In fact, I know that nothing comes from myself, but everything comes from him.  He satisfies every need, he fills every gap, every chasm in our soul.   He binds up our brokenness.  Think about that.  We don't need anything, but Him.  He satisfies our every need... He fulfills our every desire... And it's not by giving us what we want, it's by showing us what we need, and that is himself.

That doesn't mean our life is struggle-free, though.  There are still these questions.  For me, it's this.

With regards to school, this constant studying that I must do in order to graduate absolutely horrifies me. Not that I hate it, but it makes me ever so tired to think about.  I wish that there weren't any set time for graduation, but that I could always be learning at a leisurely level, through all the years.... but that's the catch.  If it pleases God for me to get married, and have a family, I probably won't have time to study like that.  That's why I have only 2.5 years to finish all this school.  I know I have to finished it because, even though I don't know if I'm going to get married or not, I have no idea what my life holds, and I need to try and be prepared for whatever it is.  So that's how I know to persevere with my studies.  But how high of a level should I try and reach for?

So, for now, even though I have fallen behind due to health issues (grin), I have set in my mind to not try and catch up, as that might make everything worse and unbearable, but to continue at a slow, yet steady pace.  Fast enough to get done what needs to be done, and slow enough to let it sink in, and so that school won't be the only thing my life is centered around. :P

And I know that the title of this post has next to nothing to do with the actual post, but it was random, like my mood.

Thanks for reading. :D Leave your comments, please. :)

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