Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"This is a world of dreams and reverie..."

Hello.

I am in such a strange mood tonight.  I don't really know why.  I was so happy this afternoon... Maybe because for once I got enough sleep at night.  I'm too clumsy to dance, and walking is too slow, so I skipped everywhere.  Literally.  And now I find myself rather... what shall we say... pensive.  Like the air before a storm.  Right now I feel as though I ought to go out on the roof and sit in the rain and be very morbid indeed, or laugh and run in a field and think of absolutely nothing at all.  You know how in a cheesy part of a movie sometimes there will be a time when the main character walks into a public place full of people, and all of a sudden, there is no sound.  It's like they are there, but they don't see or hear anything.  Well that's sort of how I feel.  Rather distant from everything, lost and obsessed in the realm of my own thought.  I think everybody has a time when they feel a little lonely... and I'm feeling a little of that right now.  Perhaps because I yearn for the company of somebody to talk to.  Or somebody who wouldn't talk, but who would just sit and enjoy the abstract-ness of it all.  Somehow I feel like there would be a conversation in our heads - one we wouldn't need to voice. Haha. This sounds so strange!

For tonight, my companions have been G.K. Chesterton (of course), and C.S. Lewis and Arthur Pink.  Don't get me wrong, I love them all very much, but there's something so cheerless about the fact that they're all dead. I can't read the wonderful things they've written, and then ask them: "Why did you say this?  What do you mean by this?  Can we talk about this because I absolutely love the way you've worded that?!"

Sometimes I think that I shut myself in my own little thoughtful world way too much.  I think that talking to people about my thoughts, or even about the passions that sometimes I want to voice about the green mist that hangs on the trees, or the spring rain, or Chopin won't interest people the same way like it interests me.  I could go on and on, but I don't want to go on to someone who doesn't feel as deeply about it as I do, and because of that, I'm afraid to tell anybody.

People are interesting, aren't they?

I bottle things up way too much.  This blog is such a help with that, but there's always things that you shouldn't post on blogs.  It causes too much trouble.

I love people.  I love talking to people, but when people say: "Enough about me! What about you?" I'll immediately want to talk about the red stripes in the curtain.  Or I'll say something like: "Oh, I've been well. I did such and such a thing and will do such and such a thing and I've been reading and writing etc."  But that's all I'll say, and they seem satisfied which makes me very dissatisfied because I want to say so much more.  I think: "When I look around at the life I live, I wouldn't notice much change, even if there has been significant change.  I live so much in my thought, that there is where I find every change and every progression.  Everything I see, hear, smell, feel... it is turned over in this world of thought.  It is analyzed, torn apart and applied to various things, and fed by perhaps a saying of some great thinker or writer.  And yet, when I talk to people, I am suddenly jerked out of that world into another reality, and I hardly know what to do with myself."  So I say stupid stuff like: "Yeah, life is good...." when I would rather say:

"I absolutely love the stars.  Can you imagine a sky without stars?  A sky without stars would be like a song that lacks melody.  Stars add so much to the world, and yet we take them for granted every day.  Each of them is a burning globe in space, and to us they seem like harmless little butterflies.  I want to look at the stars all the time.  And the moon! Look, there he sits like an emperor on his silver throne! His light may be pale, but his milky white face with what looks like shadows makes up for it.  The moon is like a king, and the stars are his subjects.  The sky is his land.  He does not concern himself with the earth.  He and the stars spin a beautiful melody, one that is too beautiful for the human ear to hear.  It's intangible, it's unheard but they don't make it for us. Perhaps that's why they don't care whether or not we hear it.  I really am for a life where one sleeps during the day, and stays awake at night.  Night is the time to be awake.  And yet... it is the time to be asleep.  Must we sleep when so much beauty lies awake?"

I would much rather say something like that.  Because that is what I'm thinking.  Sometimes I really do think silly stuff, like who invented the name of a cleaning product, and what gave them the inspiration for that name. Who were they, and where were they. I do wonder things like that, and it's extremely odd.

But I don't say things like what I said up there.  I never do that.  Why? I'm not sure.  I can never bring myself to do it when I most want to. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not? Ah well.

Anyways, that's my ramble for the evening.  If you got to the end, I'm impressed. I imagine it was somewhat boring, and I'm sorry.  I'm also sorry that it was long.  I didn't mean to write such a long thing, but it felt good to get something out for once. :-)

11 comments:

Clayton said...

On the contrary, This was a beautiful post. I loved it. It's been a while since someone outside my family has asked how i was doing and really wanted to know. I love the stars. I can't wait 'til I don't have so much work to do and won't have to get up so early so I can spend more time outside and stay up later. The night sky is beautiful. I love to sit outside and stare at the stars. And see the fireflies imitate the heavens. As if they knew something we don't, dancing to the music of the spheres. Knowing that all my friends could be sitting anywhere and be seeing the same stars that I'm seeing. How amazing. :-)

Hannah May said...

My dear, you have hit nails on heads tonight.

~There's something so cheerless about the fact that they're all dead. I can't read the wonderful things they've written, and then ask them: "Why did you say this? What do you mean by this? Can we talk about this because I absolutely love the way you've worded that?!"~

I echo this absolutely.

~ And yet, when I talk to people, I am suddenly jerked out of that world into another reality, and I hardly know what to do with myself." So I say stupid stuff like: "Yeah, life is good...."~

And that is me through and through. I've resolved lately to destroy the, "How are you...good, how are you...good..." mentality. I WILL say something meaningful about my life when someone asks me. I WILL, if I have to write them down in lists beforehand. Because in an effort to be polite one ends up being rude instead. When *I* ask someone how they are, I do truly want to know! But then they say, "good," and I'm disappointed. Then comes their, "How are you?" in turn, and I think, "Oh, they don't really want to hear all of my jabber." So I tell them I'm fine, doing well, or whatever. But then not only am I assuming insincerity and rudeness on their part, I'm being insincere and rude by not really answering their question! We still have to exercise taste and judgment in our conversation, but we must CONVERSE! About meaningful things!

And your snare has been sprung. I commented. :-P *Looks upward at text* Rather much...

Love,
~Hannah
P.S. I'm wondering if I should admit to wondering about name brand origins myself. What do you think?

Ruby Jean Hopkins said...

Clayton -

I know what you mean. (Well duh...) It's that time of quiet when I can forget about the business and rush of life, and just stare at the stars and think quietly. There's something so beautiful in the thought.

Dear Hannah -

Yours is a good idea, now... I like what you said - "in an effort to be polite, we are rude" by assuming their insincerity and replying to it with insincerity, as though they really didn't want to know anyways. When I ask someone how they are, I want to really no. If they say "I'm okay" I want to know why they're only okay. I want to know how they REALLY are, but I don't want to be rude by digging further into the question. Anyways... it's something that needs to be worked with in society as well as in ourselves. :)

Thanks for your comments guys!

In Christ,
-Ruby

David said...

Can you believe that I have actually read all your blogs?
Hey i'll so talk to you any time...really as long as i don't have to do anything else that can't wait or i'll sit and say nothing i don't mind "awkward" silences...whatever suits you. Ok a couple thoughts on this subject.Thinking is a good thing but thinking too much on a useless thing isn't. We MUST always make sure to always be using Philippians 4:8 as a guide for our thought life
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." ANYTHING other than thinking on those things is disobedience.
My thought life is DEFINITELY not even close to what i want it so please don't think i'm talking down to you in the least!!!!...please?
I hope you don't say your doing "good" in the first place because it's an adjective and you must use an adverb in that situation. doing "well" is infinitely more proper.:) yeah i so think the same thing...i am almost sick of useless, empty talk...it makes me want to go CRAZY. I would so much rather talk about what people think about God and what He's doing in their life than hear their take on sports or whatever!!! So many words are wasted.* I wonder if anyone is going to read this?
If you did read this thanks. I appreciate that you care.

Ruby Jean Hopkins said...

David -

Yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from. That's why I often get frustrated with myself for wondering who came up with the label for a cleaning product. And I absolutely agree with what you're saying... only, it's so hard. And I don't think you're saying it's wrong to muse on the stars? After all, God did create them, and they are beautiful and lovely...as part of creation, they are a reflection of God. :) But I don't think you were talking about that...

And THANK YOU for offering your company. :-) I really appreciate it, and sometime when we actually see each other again we shall have to sit down and have a nice long conversation.

In Christ,
-Ruby

Emma Howard said...

Ruby,
I adore reading your blog because it's like looking into a mirror for me! Except that my mirror counterpart explains things so much better than I. :-)
I'm afraid that my most of my thoughts are frivolous, and often I think the same things over and over again, yet I know I should be thinking *with a purpose* every minute of the day. One of my favorite purposeful things to think about is the Word and His Creation, and how He formed His creation with a word and how powerful indeed that word was, and what it would have sounded like, the word that *spoke the world into existence*. Deep and rumbly, aerial and serene, or beauty verbalized? I love the part in the Magician's Nephew where Lewis describes Aslan' song that created Narnia. What a gift speech and song is! *thought train continues on ...*
You get the picture. :-D

Hannah,
I've tried doing what you suggested, and it's gonna take work. :-P One week at Church when somebody said, "How are you?" I responded with "I'm *great*. I've REALLY been enjoying the rain this week. I just *love* rain." That led to a rather shorter conversation than what I'd like, but it was encouraging. I'm gonna try to keep it up. :-)Thanks for the reminder. :-D

David,
I know I don't know you and you don't know me but I just have to say AMEN! I agree TOTALLY that there needs to FULL conversations and not just empty time wasters. It seems that there are "cheese puff" conversations, "snackish" conversations, and "*FEAST*" conversations. I like the feast most of all. :-D There just so filling, joyful, and useful. :-)

Thanks for the encouragement y'all and thanks especially Ruby for having such a wonderful blog. :-D

In Christ our Glorious, Majestic, Powerful, Beautiful, Just, and Merciful Lord,
~Emma

P.S. Sorry this is soooooo long. :-P

David said...

Hey I for one TOTALLY don't mind the long posts...it helps me know what other people are thinking.

No Ruby i'm not saying it's wrong to muse on the stars...as long as you give credit to their Creator for their beauty. I mean it's useless to just say "oh my aren't the stars lovely tonight" and then just stop there. We MUST go on and praise God for His power that is displayed in the stars and thank Him for them.

Yeah Emma I really loath walking away from a conversation and having a sinking feeling cause i know i didn't say or hear anything useful in it!...Hey what does it matter that we don't know who each other are?

Chloe Laurene said...

I challenge you to try saying exactly what is going through your mind next time... you might be surprised at how many people wish they were talking about the very same thing. Life is beautiful. There's no reason why we can't enjoy everything about it in conversation. If someone asks you how you are, you don't necessarily have to lay bare the estate of your soul or its struggles, but you can present the things which have spoken to you or made an impact on you which can be as lovely and as simple as the moon or stars... in fact... how wonderful when it is :).

Sarah Me =) said...

I loved this post. I just found your blog today, and I have fallen in love with it!
You write what I feal. This post was just the thing that I needed today, to show me that there realy is some one out there that does think like I think, who does understand the way I feal sometimes. I love to read, and sometimes it is so hard to find some one who you can talk to about it. Every once and a while I will try to talk about a book that I love, but most people call it rambling. Thank you so much for this blog, and I hope that you never stop writing. :)

Ruby Jean Hopkins said...

Dear Sarah,

I'm sorry I'm a bit delayed in replying to your comment! I have another blog now that I write on, so I don't keep up with this one anymore but every now and then I'll check and see if there are comments - like yours! Thank you so much! I love getting feedback like this because it is exactly how I feel, and it is so refreshing to know you're not the only one. :)

Sincerely,
~Ruby

Ruby Jean Hopkins said...

Dear Sarah,

I'm sorry I'm a bit delayed in replying to your comment! I have another blog now that I write on, so I don't keep up with this one anymore but every now and then I'll check and see if there are comments - like yours! Thank you so much! I love getting feedback like this because it is exactly how I feel, and it is so refreshing to know you're not the only one. :)

Sincerely,
~Ruby